Parody Evil 2: A Badge of Dishonor
by Jaide DM
Summary: Poor Leon, trapped all alone in the dark and forboding Raccoon City. Bad jokes and sexual innuendo abide within.
1. Chapter 1

**A story by Jaide!**

**DISCLAIMER**

Normally I don't make one of these, since this website DOES IT FOR YOUbut I might piss off a lot of people here, plus, I plan to MAKE FUN OF DISCLAIMERS!

I do not own the Resident Evil Series. Capcom does. I do not own Capcom. But I do own Leon, since he is a fruit cup. I also own most of the Capcom staff, since they owe me money.

**Pay up Bill, don't make me kick your door down!**

Well, you all know I don't own Capcom. Now, this story is offensive, on many levels. That's why it has a naughty rating. But hey, I'm not going to tell kids not to read it, since they will want to more. Probably while looking up nude pictures. Sick kids.

On to the parody.

* * *

Leon Scott Kennedy let his boot ride a little heavier on the gas, as the ugly gray jeep shot down the highway, and since this is worthless and boring, prepare to fast forward.

_Preparing to fast forward!_

Fast forward!

_Fast forwarding!_

The jeep drove slowly down the street of the city proper, as the red haired cop scanned the streets with his sky blue eyes. He had his uniform on, even though Leon was coming in from outside of town, and had no real reason to wear it. But to be honest, he hadn't taken it off in days. It made him feel special. Most people would have thought it odd that a big city like Raccoon had a street that was devoid of life, as the one he now cruised through did. Not a single soul walked among the waning light of day, even though it was only like nine at night. No, Officer Kennedy's thoughts wandered to more urgent matters at hand.

"I wonder how come it's called Raccoon City. I sure don't see many of those little bandits. Just a bunch of crows flocked in the middle of the street. Holy crap!"

He slammed on the brakes, the jeep shuddering to a stop. Leon was horrified at what he saw. For a second, he had thought that maybe the grill of the large vehicle had hit one of the birds. But, they flew away, thank goodness. Leon stepped out of the jeep, looking skyward.

"Whew, that was close. Hello, what's this?"

In the street in front of the jeep's headlights, a prone form lie upon the pavement, face down. It was a woman, and for a thrilling second, Leon thought she might be unconscious, making her fair game. Unfortunately, she was dead. Sucks for the poor lonely cop, but lucky for her. Snapping his fingers in frustration, Leon reached down and drew his puny gun. Which was pretty funny, actually. Leon had a very small gun, and for some reason, a knife that was easily the size of his forearm. Most cops didn't carry knifes of that size, but Leon was raised on Crocodile Dundee and James Bond movies. Teeny gun, big knife. Leon left the safety of his jeep, whistling casually as he walked toward the girl. A black leather boot prodded her shoulder, as he frowned thoughtfully.

"Sucks for her. I wonder where I can get something to eat around here."

Leon crouched next to the girls still oozing body, looking her over briefly. She didn't have any food on her, which didn't help him any. Still crouched next to her, he prodded her once more, with the barrel of his weapon.

"Hmm... maybe if I leave her here, nobody will find her, and I can just pretend this never happened."

That was when he heard it, a slight shuffling movement behind him, causing the young cop to crane his neck around. Two people, a man and woman, shuffling toward him. They were both covered in blood, dripping from their pale white lips, and covering their clothes and rotting hands. Must have been the killers. Leon stood rather quickly, spinning to aim the gun at the first person.

"Great, now I have to kill these two so there are no witnesses. Okay, gotta at least pretend to be a cop. Freeze. Don't come any closer."

Leon nodded, smiling. There, that sounded enough like an Officer of the Law. He fired once, the bullet piercing the man's chest with a sickening crack. Turning his aim, he fired twice into the woman, square in the chest, knowing that women didn't go down as easily as men. Leon knew this first hand. Leon started to lower the gun, and they kept coming, causing a raised eyebrow by the "cop".

"What the crap? Um..."

He fired a few more times, to no avail. A sigh escaped Leon's lips, as he put both hands on his hips.

"Okay, what kind of witnesses are you? You're supposed to be dead by now."

Still, they kept coming. Suddenly, there were more. A lot more, all shambling out from various alleyways and streets. Most people would have noticed sooner, but, this was Leon. Dur.

"I don't have the ammo for this..."

With that Leon turned, threw both hands into the air, and sprinted for an alleyway behind him. It was a short run, and he found that the creatures were a lot slower. He could probably run circles around one. In fact, Leon was JUST about to run back out and test the theory, when a door flew open to his left. Leon spun, and screamed, closing both eyes as he aimed the shaking gun into the doorway.

"Wait! Don't shoot!"

A girl's voice. A HOT girl's voice. Leon's eyes shot open, bright blues locking onto the shocked brunette standing in front of him, hands in the air. Yup, she was hot. But the guy behind her wasn't, which was a disappointment. Oh, it was a zombie. Clearing his throat, Leon put on his toughest face, and strongest voice.

"Get down!"

The girl ducked, and Leon fired twice, hitting the fat shambling cook in the forehead. He fell back, blood going "sploosh" all over the floor. Leon turned the gun, looking at the end of the smoking barrel.

"Head shots work. I should write that down. Nah, I'll remember it." Leon tended to lie to himself. Poor guy. He looked down at the girl, and grinned, proud of being tough. He put on that strong voice again, and held a hand out to her.

"We can't stay out here. Come with me, we'll be a lot safer at the Police Station"

She reached up, grasping his hand, and he had to work not to squeal. A girl, was touching, his hand. I'll tell you what, Leon Scott Kennedy felt pretty big right about then. He helped the girl up, and they both ran out the other side of the alley, bursting out into the street. Right about then, his stomach growled, and those blue eyes darted back to the alley.

"Say, was that a diner you ran out of?"

"Um... don't you think we should run?"

"Huh? Oh, right!"

Leon glanced around, finally spotting a car across the street, a cop car, nonetheless. Man, the writer's sure were looking out for this guy. Both doors stood open, as if someone had just exited the vehicle.

"There!"

Leon pointed and ran, crossing the distance in a second and leaping into the car with a bounce, as the girl scrambled in. He grabbed the keys, turning them, and the car started, Leon giving it gas and sending the car lurching from the curb. What he didn't notice as he sped off, however, was the two men in uniform running after the car, screaming for him to stop. Their screams to stop turned into screams of pain, as they died, a group of zombies jumping them, taking their money, and devouring them. Leon snatched up the radio, pressing the button to transmit to the Raccoon Station.

"Bandit Central, this is Omega Dolphin, respond."

Before anyone could respond, as they were about to, Leon turned the switch to "off", and dropped the CB.

"What the hell is going on? I arrive in Raccoon and the whole place is insane-"

"Great, the radio's out," Leon interrupted, not bothering to listen to a word the girl said. He drove faster, swerving casually for no reason, and speeding, although he didn't need to. But, because he could.

"You're a cop, right?" The girl was looking over at him, eyebrow raised. She seemed to have her doubts.

"Yes! See this badge!" With that, Leon dug into his pants pocket, forcing the girl to lean over, snatching the steering wheel before they both went flying into a curb.

"I believe you!"

"Okay then."

Leon grabbed the wheel back, looking casually over at her, and not at the road, since you don't need to watch where you are going to drive, right?

"I'm Leon Kennedy."

"Claire Redfield. I came looking for my brother Chris..." She looked out the window, cueing sad music, if there had been music.

"Well, he's dead I bet. If we were squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?"

"What did you just say!" Leon coughed, as the Claire shot a look at him, scowling.

"Nothing. Check the glove box. I'm sure a hapless cop stuffed a Browning handgun in there for some reason, since they all put extra guns and ammo in the glovebox for some reason."

Claire blinked twice, then opened the glovebox, reached in, and pulled out a handgun.

"There's a gun inside."

"Did you not listen to a word I said? Stupid girl. This goes against all police protocol, as well as being just plain stupid, since I don't know you in any way shape or form and shouldn't trust you, but you had better take it with you. Just in case. Go ahead and take that box of about ninety bullets, which is standard issue in a glovebox."

"Yeah, okay..."

Just then, a zombie, which had been napping in the back seat, leapt toward the front, trying to bite Leon's shoulder.

"No!"

He threw the car to the left, slamming the police cruiser into a building, and knocking the zombie toward Claire. He jerked it again, sending the zombie into the back seat.

"Look out!"

Despite Claire's warning, Leon smashed the car into a light pole, after doing a couple donuts, since his driving skills suck the root. The creature went through the windshield, smashing into the pole and dying.

"Man, you can't drive."

"Oh, shut up. You're a ho."

"I most certainly am NOT. I don't get paid for sexual favors!"

"Oh, so you do it for free?"

Claire blinked twice, before frowning, and looking out the back window of the "parked" car.

"What's that?"

"Oh, changing the subject slut?"

"No, that large semi-truck shaped thing."

Leon turned, looking back at the large semi-truck shaped vehicle that was barreling down the road, making a line straight toward the cop car.

"Maniac's gonna ram us!"

"Well, duh."

Leon slapped the belt buckle of his seat belt, vaulting out of the door with a scream. Claire shrugged, opening her door and running out, sprinting from the car. The truck hit, exploding with a large explosion, and sending both parties flying, but since this is based on Leon, we don't know what happened to Claire. Nobody likes her anyway. Anycrap, Leon landed in a heap, rolling around dramatically even though the explosion was long past. He climbed slowly to his feet, shielding eyes from the chemical flames.

"Leon?"

He heard Claire's voice, barely, through the fire. She was alive, dang.

"Wanna swap bodily fluids?"

"What did you just say!"

"Nothing. Head to the station, I'll meet you there."

"Oh... okay."

With that, Leon's journey truly began?


	2. Chapter 2

Leon stalked away from the flaming wreckage that was the large tanker. Well, stalked is too strong of a word. Leon ran like a little girl. Arms flailing and all. It was actually quite amusing. He ran past a few of the flesh eating monsters, ducking past one to dart left down an alley, toward a dark SUV. He darted to the building in front of him, noticing a huge freaking "GUNS" glowing neo-flourescent in the store window.

"Hmmm... this might be a good idea."

And with that. Leon stepped into the building. Leon stood there, oblivious to all, and glanced around the room. He didn't see anything, except a camera, which was poised in such a way that it must have been doing a close up on his body. Shrugging it off, Leon took a step ahead.

"Freeze! Who are you, what are you doing here?"

It was a man, a fat man. He was wearing a bloody white shirt, and suspenders. Apparently this guy fell off the fashion train, and got ran over. Twice. We are going to assume his name is Bob, because he looks like a Bob. Aimed directly at Leon, was a sawed off pistol grip remington shotgun. Even though those would be more issue toward either a SWAT team or a group of terrorists, and not a gun store owner. Leon held up a hand, shaking his head.

"Hold your fire! I'm a human!"

Bob lowered the gun, cocking his fat head to the side.

"You think I don't know that? If you were a zombie, I would have shooted you. Duh."

Leon sighed, letting his head drop. Bob turned, walking out from behind the weapon counter he happened to be hiding behind.

"Sorry about that babe, I thought you might have been one of those zombies."

Bob walked over to him, Leon looking baffled by the "term" babe, when used on a male cop.

"What's going on here!"

"Hold on."

Bob stepped past Leon, reaching over casually to dead-bolt the door, as the young virgin cop's internal radar went off. Why was the large white partially bald guy locking the door now that Leon was inside, when he didn't bother to earlier. And why did he call Leon babe?

"I haven't got a clue cutie. By the time I knew anything was wrong, the entire city was infested with zombies. Because I was sleeping, and I didn't wake up from my four day drinking bender."

Leon nodded, looking back toward the door. He was nervous, those zombies had been right behind him.

"Don't you worry cutie, you'll be safe in here. I'm keeping a close eye out."

"Right... I'm going to walk over there now."

Leon pointed toward the gun cases, and walked away from Bob, more nervous about THAT than the monsters outside. The cop walked around the gun case, noticing that there wasn't a SINGLE gun in the cases. Not one. For a gun store, it sure was empty. The Democrats must have gotten to it. But, Leon did find a box of handgun ammo behind the counter, a picture of a fox on it, even though nobody in their right mind would use a nine millimeter handgun to hunt fox. That's retarded. Looking up, he noticed Bob standing right next to the display window, watching his every move carefully.

"Um... don't you think you should move away from the giant thin window behind you? I WAS just being chased by about a dozen zombies, and you couldn't even hope to see them coming from that position."

"Why would I want to do that?"

Leon shook his head, giving up on Bob. He walked around the counter, and toward the other, finding another box of bullets.

"Because the zombies could dive through and kill you in seconds, and if I-"

Leon was cut off, by the sound of glass shattering into hundreds of shards. He spun, just in time to see Bob turn, raising the shotgun, as a group of five zombies burst through the window, and onto Bob. He fired, and Leon saw the arm of one of the creatures go flying back into the street, as Bob fell, screaming like a small child. They quickly devoured him.

"Well, I told him. Good thing I picked up this ammo."

Leon quickly dispatched the zombies. By quickly I mean he shot them with a whole lot of bullets in the chest, instead of a simple head shot. Once they were all down, he walked over, and bent down, snatching the gun from Bob's cold, greasy, dead grasp.

"Abra cadaver. Man, The Simpsons is awesome, I get all kinds of action hero lines from that show." (Author's Note: I don't own The Simpsons, obviously. But, Matt Groening did lose a poker game or two to me, and owes me. Cheap punk.)

Tossing the shotgun over his shoulder, to look cool, of course, Leon made his way out the back door of the gun shop, turning to walk down an alley as this sentence keeps running on, and on. Leon walked down the dank and cool alley, walking past a fence. As he turned the corner toward said fence, it began to rattle violently, causing him to spin, whipping the gun up, and clamping his eyes closed. After a beat, one eye slowly opened, revealing the three zombies that stood on the other side, shaking the gate to a basketball court. It was obvious they weren't players, as all were white.

"Heh, can't get me huh? Stupid things."

Leon lifted the gun, aiming the nine millimeter at them, and fired. After like another thirty pointless shots, they died. Leon then turned, ignoring the gate, and walking down the alley, leaving the basketball court without anything inside, save a basketball. He kinda wanted to play. Besides, they would hog the court, and were witnesses. Those witnesses, they were all over!

Leon continued, seeing a large white van blocking the alley. Normally, this would lead right out to the Raccoon Police Department, but this van was a complication.

"Rats. I could have walked right to the RPD through there. But this van is in the way. I could climb over it easily, and stop from going through all of the obvious hardships that I am bound to stumble across if I go the long way. But, I don't have that kind of logic. Oh look! Are those bullets in the back of this news van?"

Leon snatched up the box of bullets, again with the stupid fox. Just then, the gate behind him FLEW open, with the force of somebody opening it and PUSHING it! Which was INTENSE! Leon spun, whipping the handgun up, and opening fire, eyes tightly shut as he screamed, unloading an entire clip. A loud thud, and Leon let his eyes slip open, to see a body hit the ground.

"Hey, I didn't even have to shoot it that much, before the zombie...-"

Leon walked to the corpse, finding it amusing to notice that the person had yet to decay, and was bleeding profusely from several ragged wounds in his chest. Apparently, it wasn't a zombie at all. But, still a witness. Witnesses blew donkeys for nickels, I tell ya what.

"Well, he scared me. Serves him right."

Leon walked over the corpse, and jogged through the basketball court, bursting into an alley. He ran up a flight of stairs, around a balcony, then back down, bringing him between a dumpster and a trash can. Needless to say, Officer Kennedy felt right at home.

"Woo hoo, more bullets in this garbage can. Just like real life!"

Leon took yet MORE bullets, stuffing them into his "inventory" where they vanished. Climbing the dumbster, he saw a group of zombies shuffling toward him. Deciding to save ammo, Leon removed his knife. Well, his sword, basically, and waited for them to get close.

About fifty slashes later, after his boots had become quite covered in icky sticky zombie vomit, he had killed them. For such a big knife, it sure did less damage than an ice pick. Leon hopped down, jogging through yet another alley to emerge into a large lot, hearing the sound of loud munching. Still hungry, he walked around a wrecked bus, and he saw them. About four zombies, all crouched over a single corpse, and munching absently.

"Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun. Man, I am so funny!"

Laughing at his own stupid, stupid joke, Leon took out the Remington, aiming the sawed off stock at the zombies. Being the stupid cop he was, he wasted all four remaining rounds on the zombies, before walking toward the bus. Stepping on, he wrinkled his nose. The dead bodies in the bus were quite rank. And the fact that Leon had been in that uniform all week didn't help matters. Turning around, he pulled MORE bullets out of a women's purse, before turning back. Two zombies, one crawling, one walking. He shot them, and walked through the bus.

As soon as he hopped off the bus, Leon felt his heart sink. More zombies.

"This is getting so five minutes ago."

Deciding "screw it," Leon ran past the few shambling corpses, and into a large metal gate. He pushed it open, knowing that he would now be in the small courtyard of the Police Department. Finally, this fic was going nowhere fast.

Looking to his right, Leon saw two zombies. But, deciding he didn't want to fight them, he walked ahead, and down some stairs. Well, there happened to be one down here too. At least it was only one, and one ugly zombie at that. Ugly yellow pants, ugly camo vest. Leon began firing, but the stupid thing wouldn't die. Finally, it managed to go down, with a big "thud". Leon walked over, crouching to pick up the key that had fallen from it's ugly vest pocket.

"Hmm. I'm sure this opens something important to me in the police station, which will give me a cool gun or a bad outfit or something. I better keep it."

Leon was about to go back up the other set of stairs, until he remembered something VERY important.

"Uh oh. I left my jeep running. I'll run out of gas!"

Turning on his heel, Leon sprinted up the steps, and to the gate. But, when he tried to open it, something very odd happened. Above his head, in floaty white text, came these words.

"It's too dangerous to go back out there."

"What the HELL is all this?"

Leon tried to open the gate, but, it was closed tight, and only showing him that same message. Where it came from, he had no clue. So, Leon turned, sighing, and running back down the stairs, then up, then around a small corner. Finally, he was standing in front of the RPD's main lobby doors. Taking a deep breath, he pushed the doors open gently, and stepped in, trying as hard as possible to look as calm and cool as he could, in case somebody was watching. But, being Leon, he stubbed his toe, tripped, and rolled down the three stairs just inside the door, as it closed slowly behind him. Landing on his butt, the cop looked up and around, taking in his surroundings. He was in.


End file.
